Baby #2! My second pregnancy and where I've been

Finally publishing this blog was one of the most liberating and exciting things I’ve ever done. Putting myself and my story out there for everyone and getting back to writing as a hobby was so fulfilling and felt quite cathartic. But then I did that thing that I always end up doing to myself…procrastinated writing my next post because of all of my perfectionist related anxiety and now it’s been 5 months since I wrote anything or even revisited my website. 

All of those same untrue thoughts I always get came flooding back to the forefront. 

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything, nobody is going to care anymore.

Is it weird to just reappear after being gone for so long?

Maybe getting back into it is a waste of time.

Basically endless self sabotage. 

I finally had to remind myself that I am a human being, I’m not perfect, writing for myself gives me joy and getting over my tendency to not want to start anything because I’m afraid of failure isn’t going to disappear magically overnight. I need to be kinder and more patient with myself.

That being said I have had quite a bit going on since launching my blog that has made it challenging to stay current with posts. Exactly one month after I made my website live we found out we were pregnant with baby #2! We had been trying for about a month so we were thrilled to find out that we already had another bun in the oven! However, it wasn’t soon after that I was experiencing all of the unpleasant side effects that come along with the first trimester. 

I spent almost three months with near debilitating nausea and violent spells of vomiting. It was intense enough that I lost quite a bit of weight because I never had an appetite and couldn’t find anything to eat that didn’t make me ill. I’m not a complainer by nature so it’s difficult for me to admit when I’m struggling in any way but I really ended up having to put my life on hold at that time. I had to recruit all of the help I could just to survive and to help me out with Jude during the day during my bouts of sickness when I couldn’t even stand up by myself some days without almost fainting. 

I was so fortunate that Brian was able to work from home on the occasions when I needed the extra help and I had my parents and my in-laws down to KC as much as they could manage so that I could lie down and have someone to watch Jude for me during the day. I struggled a lot mentally and emotionally during this time because #1: It felt like I was getting nothing accomplished during the day with the exception of keeping my body going. And #2: I felt an immense amount of guilt about being absent from Jude so much when all I wanted was to be with him and tell him that mommy was okay. 

The night we found out that we were pregnant with baby #2 we were obviously so excited and spent time celebrating our joy. But I also spent a good hour that night hysterically sobbing and mourning the idea that my time with my sweet little Jude bug being our only child was now an hourglass full of sand and the granules slowly percolating down the tube were the days I had left with it just being him and mommy. So having to spend months relying on others to help me take care of him and laying in bed while listening to him giggle and play without me in the other room was like a stab in the heart for this mommy. It wasn’t helping that he was constantly asking for me and when we were at home just the two of us and I found myself attached to the toilet on the bathroom floor, he would always come and find me and say, “Mama?” with the sweetest concern while patting me on the back. AN ACTUAL ANGEL. What did we do to deserve him??

I have since been feeling SO much better since entering into my second trimester (with the exception of some surprise cookie tossing now and then) and have had the gift of getting the energy back to spend time with my Jude bug and pray about my feelings when it comes to new baby. We found out that we are having another little boy and I am so so incredibly excited to be able to give Jude a little brother. Brian loves having a brother and loved growing up with one and I am an only child who always wanted a sibling so I feel so blessed to be able to give that to him. I still get emotional and sad when I think about the Jude and mommy chapter coming to a close but I know that so many special moments are just around the corner and this next chapter will be the most beautiful yet. I’m so excited to see my little JuJu become a big brother!

I’m so thankful to God for my body and the amazing things it can do and to feel healthy again. I’m relieved that I have given myself grace for “falling off the wagon” when it comes to my writing. I’m grateful for a God that shows us mercy and for his constant reminder that his blessings are never in short supply. 

As I dive back into this space I have decided to let a lot of my mental rules that I have completely fabricated for myself melt away. I’ve always had this made up rule in my brain that if I don’t post something in the moment, as it’s happening, then there’s no point in posting it period. Which ends up becoming a vicious cycle of unproductivity for me because I’m an in the moment kind of person that doesn’t have my social media on the forefront of my mind as I live my day to day life. Some people are so great at it and it comes naturally but I’m not that person. So shouldn’t I just post what I want when I want? Why have I created these made up rules for myself? Because it’s what everyone else is doing and it’s what the algorithm likes.

I so badly want to document Jude’s birth and his life on my Instagram page but think that since it’s been 2 years that nobody will think it’s interesting and that it isn’t relevant any longer. But do I think it’s interesting? Yes. Is it my page to post on it what I want? Yes. Is it something that I want to do? Absolutely! So there really isn’t any harm in posting retroactively if that’s something I want to do to not feel the constant pressure to post something at a specific time, on a specific day by a specific deadline. Because mentally that always trips me up and causes me anxiety. And this is supposed to be fun! So I am going to tell my story in the way that I want and say BUH BYE to the social media rule book. Heck, I might even post twice in one day gasp!

So if you are reading this, THANK YOU. Thank you for caring about my story, my family, this little project I’m cultivating and for hopefully finding something in this jumble of word vomit that you can relate to because ultimately that’s what I’m hoping brought you here! I see you and your struggles and I appreciate you!