Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Hello internet!
It’s been a little almost 5 years since I last posted on any of my social media and it’s been such a wonderfully needed breath of fresh air. I made the decision to step back and distance myself from the world of posting photos and updating everyone on my weekly goings-on pretty soon after my wedding. Mostly because I wanted to pour all of my focus into my new marriage without the pressure of feeling like I had to constantly update every family member/friend/acquaintance on what we were up to with a photo of us doing something “fun” together. And partly because of the constant comparison that I would find myself inevitably making between us and other couples and what those couples were doing with their freetime or where they were at in their milestone timeline.
I feel like with social media being at the height of where it is right now in our day to day, there are obviously a lot of positives and a lot of draw backs. All of the positives are why I decided that I wanted to return to it and give it another chance (with a new perspective and headspace of course). It brings people with shared interests together, it can forge connections between people who would have never gotten the chance to meet without social media, it gives so many a platform to share their stories and influence change, it gives a platform for many to share and cultivate their talents and skills…the list could keep going and going. I’m personally looking forward to sharing my writing with others and creating a space where I can express myself creatively while also simply documenting my day to day life to look back on. But of course if we are going to talk about the positives, we inevitably need to address the negatives. There’s no light without darkness.
At the time that I decided to step back from social media, it had become extremely toxic for me mentally. We had just gotten married, I had just moved away from home for the first time from NE to KC, and all of our family and most of our friends at the time were still back in NE. Everyone was always asking about us and curious about how things were going for us and how newlywed life was (which is perfectly normal and understandable for people who love you to do). For some reason I felt like if I didn’t post about something that we did together then it was like it never happened and we never did it. It was all pressure that I was putting on myself, but I felt an immense amount of stress and I always felt on edge about posting every little thing we did, not even really to impress anyone, but more so to document that it happened so that everyone (mostly our family and friends) could share in those moments with us.
I would put off posting something because I wanted it to be a certain way: be the perfect picture, say the exact thing I wanted, blah, blah, blah…..but for what reason?? Everyone who cared about what I was posting wasn’t going to read that much into it and anyone who might possibly judge us in some way (if any) absolutely doesn’t matter?? But for some reason that I can’t explain, that’s what my brain would irrationally rationalize. Procrastinating these posts (because they never felt just right in my brain) gave me even more anxiety because I felt like they needed to be posted on the actual day the event occurred or it would be a faux pas of sorts. The anxiety inside of me continued to build and build and build. I created all of these insane, unrealistic rules for myself and eventually I got so behind on my “life events” that I completely shut down and instead of posting constantly to feed into that pressure, I simply posted nothing at all. According to my social media accounts, it was as if my life ceased to exist after my wedding.
While we were on our honeymoon, all I could think about for the first couple of days was, “I should probably be posting something so that everyone who cares about us can see how much fun we are having.” But I never posted anything at all. It felt so freeing and liberating in those first days together as husband and wife to just enjoy myself without the pressure and anxiety of feeling like I had to document every little thing we were doing and just live in the moment.
I had quite a few moments in our first year of marriage when I realized I hadn’t posted anything at all and it gave me so much anxiety thinking about how it was too late to catch up on posting and so many things we had done weren’t shared online with our loved ones. It became so unhealthy that I decided to step away completely and eliminate it from my life. I strongly believe that it enhanced my marriage and my mental health drastically not having to constantly worry that I hadn’t posted about something we were doing or think to myself, “Well, I can’t post about that thing that we did last weekend now, it’s too late. It’s irrelevant now.” I had to make the decision to live in the moment.
Flash forward to me being pregnant with my first child last year. At this point I hadn’t been posting anything on my social media (my accounts still a digital time capsule) but I was a VERY active scroller on my Instagram, some of this attributed to me being pregnant in the height of COVID and being trapped in my house with not much else to do. This scrolling would do more damage than I could ever imagine (as well as irritate Brian as I continually compared everything I was doing to someone I saw on Instagram.) I inevitably started following several accounts about babies, pregnancy, raising kids, etc. Little did I realize the deep, sometimes dark hole I was digging myself into. Now, most of the info on these accounts is fairly helpful and informative; however, if you’re not careful, as I can attest that many other moms also feel that I’ve talked to, it can be extremely damaging.
My goal with this blog is to be as transparent and authentic as possible, so I’m risking putting it all out there in case any one else has ever felt this way. I am definitely not proud of some of the thoughts that have ran through my head recently or the anxiety that I have felt over what most people would view as silly. It’s quite honestly embarrassing and difficult to admit. But between my pregnancy, Jude’s birth, COVID-19, and then embarking on the journey of motherhood, the constant comparison of myself and my life to what I was seeing on social media and the anxiety that would arise from that was at its absolute height this past year.
For me specifically, I felt/still feel the most anxiety and fixation over photos. I am always obsessing over having the most perfect pictures of Jude and I am constantly stressing out over missing moments with him. Every outfit. Every milestone. Every stage of life. I feel this need to have a picture/video of him doing absolutely everything because, “time is fleeting and one day you’ll look up and your baby will be 25”. Quotes like these and sage words of advice from fellow moms are all over the internet: “don’t take a second for granted, embrace every waking moment you have with your baby while they are a baby, after all, they are only a newborn for this many weeks and an infant for that many weeks! Don’t put them down for a nap in their crib, nap with them while they’re still small!” I understand the good intentions behind these words of wisdom and that the purpose is simply to help other moms seize the moment and take advantage of the time they have with their babies, but for someone with preexisting anxiety about missing all of these moments, it was and still is super triggering.
I also experienced a lot of sadness (which could have also been hormone attributed) when it came to pregnancy related posts on Instagram after I had Jude. All of the posts with moms sharing about their experiences and taking cute pictures of their bumps had me missing and longing to be pregnant again so that I could do it all over. I would get super depressed and sad about the fact that Jude’s newborn days had passed me by and I would never get those back.
When I take a moment to assess and ponder why I might feel this weird compulsive anxiety about photos, all I have to do is open up my Instagram feed or explore page. Social media is saturated with these adorable and gorgeously posed photos of moms and their babies/families and I feel like I need to recreate a similar photo or I’ll regret it. I’ll see a cute photo of a mom with her newborn and think, “Ugh, we never did that. Now we never can because he will never be that age again and we missed out.” I will be perfectly content and then I’ll see a photo on social media that sends me reeling because I’ll feel sad that we didn’t get a similar memory documented. Even though I know full well that the mom of the beautifully posed baby I’m looking at most likely spent an absurd amount of time posing her kids, dancing around trying to get them to smile and bribing them with snacks and toys to get them to sit still for that one cute photo.
I will be really hard on myself about super specific things that we didn’t document because I saw someone else doing them on social media and was then sad that we didn’t think to do the same: not filming ourselves finding out we were pregnant, not getting more pics of us as a family at the hospital, not taking more video of Brian and Jude together in the hospital, among many other specific scenarios. I will literally sit and drive myself insane feeling all of this regret and wishing I could go back in time…but to what end?
I think one of the more recent and heavy stings that I have felt while processing all of my anxiety and why I’ve been feeling it from this past year has been thinking about how disappointed I am in myself as a follower of Jesus. My savior Jesus is forgiving and gives me immeasurable grace but it must be so sad and discouraging for him to see me and so many others compare ourselves with one another when we were created to be so much more. God created us specifically for a purpose and when we are constantly gazing at the greener grass on the other side, we are now seeking out others for validation and purpose when we should be seeking out the Lord.
“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.” -Psalms 139
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” - Galatians 1:10
I was recently reading an article from another awesome blogger, Undoubted Grace, about what God says about comparison in scripture who very eloquently laid out an awesome explanation:
“This comparison bible verse reminds us who we should be seeking for validation and purpose. When we seek the Lord and look to him when we are struggling with doubt about our ability we are filled up with the truth of all he has created us to be. When we instead seek man to give us validation we are left feeling vulnerable to the snares of comparison. When we compare ourselves to others, we are agreeing with the plans of the enemy for our lives. Comparison is the thief of joy and the stretcher of truth. Comparison says “I am ill-equipped for the task at hand.” The truth is God has given me everything I need for the plans he has set before me. The truth of his word says that he prepared us for good works, and every good thing comes from him.” -Ashley Nicole, “11 Bible Verses About Comparison to Help You Stop Comparing Yourself to Others”, Undoubted Grace (blog), accessed May 10th, 2021, https://undoubtedgrace.com/bible-verses-about-comparison/.
I am exhausted from constantly thinking I need to live up to a certain standard and have conceded that I need to give myself some grace. I love Jesus with all my heart and I know that he will never forget about me, I am a fantastic mom, I love my son and my husband more than anything in the world and our life together is more than I could ever have prayed for.
I had a baby during covid (which I will have a completely stand alone blog post about).
I was giving birth to my first child (again, I’ll have another post about this ha!)
We weren’t allowed to have any family come visit us at the hospital to take pictures for us.
And when all is said and done, my husband and I wanted to be present in that moment with each other and I am at peace with that and I’m okay with that decision that we made together. I’m proud of myself for having a baby and raising him during one of the arguably scariest times of our generation. I’m proud of my husband for being my lifeline when I felt like I couldn’t keep going this past year. I’m proud of our family for always leaning on Jesus and our love for one another. I can’t keep living with a feeling of regret. Not everything in life is meant to be captured, some of life is meant to be experienced firsthand. It was worth not getting photos of every detail of Jude’s birth to in turn fully experience everything not behind a screen. I decided to wipe my instagram account and start on a clean slate. A slate where I can create whatever I want and express myself freely without the limitations and rules that my mind has created for myself. I will continue to battle the nagging impulse of comparison, but I will never forget those sweet, sweet memories of those first few days of our little family of three. Or these beautiful, simple days that we are currently blessed enough to live together.
